|I've just realized...
||[Sep. 19th, 2006|10:02 am]
|||||cold tears cold feeling||]|
|||||"Leave me alone"-The Veronica's||]|
Okay, I know how most people don't like hearing relationship "shit", but I just have to get my head straight.
I just realized something today. I am happy to be dating someone right now, but it kinda of hit me today that no matter how much, physically, that we are close together and share things there are still alot of things that I don't know about him and I find it frusterating.
On top of that, today he and another mutual friend of him where talking about his girl that they both know on facebook and it was one of many michael's crushes an stuff. I also see him always writing things to girls on facebook all the time. I know that he said that he has a lot of friends that are girls, but...the messages (I hate being nosey, but...)say like "love you" and "miss you". Of course their pictures are up and some of these girls are really pretty, but this one in particular, Greer (or however you spell it), that he and "hair" mike where talking about is coming up to "visit"...
I feel really insecure, terrified about being stupid, depressed (on the verge of tears), and midly jealous. This is not me at all. I know I probably overreacting to this whole thing, because I never have really felt this way towards someone at all, so I am scared. Terrified actually, of losing myself to this. I am not used to being all sappy at all...I am used to being the girl with the "fuck off" sign on. Intimacy is not my thing. I just feel indirectly hurt I suppose because I feel insecure with all of these "girls" that he has as "friends". I know that he likes me, but sometimes I fear that I may be in deeper than he is and if that's the case then I am already hurting and I need to toughen up. I don't know why I feel so jealous, betrayed, scared, insecure,and hurt right now. I have no explaination, but I just feel no matter how much I hold him or kiss him it never fills the "holes" of insecurity for me and I feel like I am suffocating right now, tears are burning in the back of my eyes...this is so alien to me...and I don't know what to do.
My head is yelling at me, telling me that I am stupid to be dating someone right now because I don't know if I am ready. It feels right, but you know me and my pesimistic views...I already have the shovel ready to bury the emotional shit, cry, die, and be born again a tougher more calloused person. I already have enough problems showing emotions towards those that I love...and for the first time I am opening myself up and I am terrified of being hurt, so I am already preparing for the "shit to hit the fan" and get this stupid idea of dating out of my head right now. I feel like I need to go cry right now...so I think I will so that I can remeber how much I hate being weak so that I can toughen up.
The wonderful/fucked up thing about me is that I seem tough, but I am really just weak, sensitive, and get hurt easily.