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People [Dec. 10th, 2006|03:03 am]
[Current Location |HELL!!!!!!!!]
[mood |bitchyFUCK OFF!!!!!]
[music |Irreplaceable-Beyonce]

I hate people in general, which is ironic, because I want to become some sort of a doctor. Why do people suck so much? Why do they disappoint you so much? Okay, I am not trying to go on some philosophical journey. Actually I am just killing some time, cooling off after another fight with my boyfriend. It's funny how much I love/hate being in a relationship. Right now, I hate it. I am cold, tired, pissed, and hurt. Quite frankly, I wanna kill something. It doesn't help that finals are looming in the backround and the fact that I have stupid irresponsible guyfriends that want to get drunk and try to include me on their retarded activities. Another thing that gets me is that why is it that women have to be the "bitch" sometimes? Whatever, as usual this "bitch" has bigger, stronger, and manlier BALLS then any guy right now and I ain't afraid to whip'em out. FUCK PEOPLE!!! FUCK BOYFRIENDS!!!!FUCK FINALS!!!! I am so ready for break to get the fuck out of Indiana and away from college and my stupid boyfriend right now (who I want to gut and sell his organs illegally on the black market!!!). Okay, I am tired and finally going back to my bed....
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I am a officially "mushy" now.... [Oct. 12th, 2006|07:42 pm]
[mood |calmIt's the storm before the calm]
[music |John Mayer-"Slow dancing in a burning room"]

Okay today I did something that I have never done before...

WARNING:If you hate hearing about "relationship" stuff sappy or shitty dishing that we all seem to do then this passage WILL cause nausea and possibly projectile vomit.

Now that you have read the warning then I will let you in on my sap-story. Anyway,so I am on my way to lunch and I run into my boyfriend, Michael, we talk and then go our separate ways. Well, I got to this one class really early, so I was just sitting at my desk with nothing to do. And as I sat there I started thinking about what I would possibly do for Michael's birthday. Then I just started thinking about Michael, just about everything that has happened past and present. Anyway I started making a list of things that I liked about him. I got to about 40 and then my class was about to start. I thought at first I would just write that in his b-day card, but then I thought why not just give it to him. So I converted the list into a note,wrote down some other stuff, and out of sheer boredom started doodling all over it. Anyway...I wrote down all this "cute" stuff and folded up. I wasn't sure if I wanted to give it to him directly or just kinda leave it somewhere he would find it. I decided I didn't really have the guts to give it to him and watch him read it in front of me so I just kinda slipped it onto his desk, leaving it up to chance he would find it. But then I told later at dinner that I "left" something on his desk so...we will see.

Just thinking about the possibility of him reading it as I type this gives me butterflies...because I don't know how he'll respond...even worse...I don't know how I WILL respond knowing that I actually shared that with him. I seriously thought of just ripping it up and never giving it to him, letting it be my little secret. Then I just came to the conclusion that I already suck at trying to tell people how I really feel that this would probably be beneficial for me.

Besides I have decided that I am not going to protecting myself from "hurt" and "pain", just put myself out there otherwise how else would I even come close to experiencing a "true" relationship with anyone if I am always guarding my heart?

So here I am exposed and I am not afraid anymore, come what may. I know in the end no matter how hard or fast I fall and think that I'll never be able to make it I will always rise again.
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As I promised..... [Sep. 27th, 2006|05:37 am]
[mood |calmFriends]

Since the only person to really respond to my little LJ "TLC for your friend" comment so here it goes...

To my dearest Annie:

I love the fact that you always know the right thing to say to put things into perspective for me. Especially, when my world seems to falling apart,in the midst of it, your the one person that is constant,always standing right there with me, and there to help put myself back together, picking up the pieces. I love the fact that we view each other as totally opposite of what we are. You are one of kindest, loving, compassionate, sincere, and genuine people that I know. I love the tough love that you dish out, because its whats right and best for us. I love the fact that I have never doubted or mistrusted you once. You are so open minded and even though we don't share the same views or opinions on things I love how you are willing to talk about them anyways. You are an intellectual women and secretly sometimes I wish I could be more like you. I love the fact that we can both be in a bad mood, hate the world, and go rampage, yet still enjoy each others company when we want everyone else to go to hell. I love how we can stay up all night talking about anything and everything, and never run out of things to say. I think its funny how your self-concious when there is nothing I would change about you. You are a beautiful person inside and out, even when you don't think so. I guess I never knew what I had until it's gone. I am sorry if I ever took you forgranted, but I miss you and I know that by the time you read this last part that your thinking that I can always count on you, because you are always a phone call away. I can lean on you and you can lean on me. You are my best friend and I can't wait until I get to see you again, because I miss my Annie.
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I've just realized... [Sep. 19th, 2006|10:02 am]
[mood |coldcold tears cold feeling]
[music |"Leave me alone"-The Veronica's]

Okay, I know how most people don't like hearing relationship "shit", but I just have to get my head straight.
I just realized something today. I am happy to be dating someone right now, but it kinda of hit me today that no matter how much, physically, that we are close together and share things there are still alot of things that I don't know about him and I find it frusterating.

On top of that, today he and another mutual friend of him where talking about his girl that they both know on facebook and it was one of many michael's crushes an stuff. I also see him always writing things to girls on facebook all the time. I know that he said that he has a lot of friends that are girls, but...the messages (I hate being nosey, but...)say like "love you" and "miss you". Of course their pictures are up and some of these girls are really pretty, but this one in particular, Greer (or however you spell it), that he and "hair" mike where talking about is coming up to "visit"...

I feel really insecure, terrified about being stupid, depressed (on the verge of tears), and midly jealous. This is not me at all. I know I probably overreacting to this whole thing, because I never have really felt this way towards someone at all, so I am scared. Terrified actually, of losing myself to this. I am not used to being all sappy at all...I am used to being the girl with the "fuck off" sign on. Intimacy is not my thing. I just feel indirectly hurt I suppose because I feel insecure with all of these "girls" that he has as "friends". I know that he likes me, but sometimes I fear that I may be in deeper than he is and if that's the case then I am already hurting and I need to toughen up. I don't know why I feel so jealous, betrayed, scared, insecure,and hurt right now. I have no explaination, but I just feel no matter how much I hold him or kiss him it never fills the "holes" of insecurity for me and I feel like I am suffocating right now, tears are burning in the back of my eyes...this is so alien to me...and I don't know what to do.

My head is yelling at me, telling me that I am stupid to be dating someone right now because I don't know if I am ready. It feels right, but you know me and my pesimistic views...I already have the shovel ready to bury the emotional shit, cry, die, and be born again a tougher more calloused person. I already have enough problems showing emotions towards those that I love...and for the first time I am opening myself up and I am terrified of being hurt, so I am already preparing for the "shit to hit the fan" and get this stupid idea of dating out of my head right now. I feel like I need to go cry right now...so I think I will so that I can remeber how much I hate being weak so that I can toughen up.

The wonderful/fucked up thing about me is that I seem tough, but I am really just weak, sensitive, and get hurt easily.
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I stole this from Annie... [Sep. 18th, 2006|11:49 pm]
[mood |contentI love, I loathe, I live!]
[music |"Virtual Insanity"-Jamiroquai]

1.) Reply to this post if you want me to tell you something that I love about you.

2.) Watch my journal over the next few days for a post about you and why you rock my socks!

3.) Post these instructions in your hournal and give your friends a much needed dose of love and adoration.

Teehee, I can't wait to see who is curious enough to ask me...
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It's been awhile... [Sep. 15th, 2006|03:24 am]
[mood |cheerfulI am here, no matter what]
[music |Mr. Children-"Signs"]

So busy all the time, but it's kinda of a good busy I suppose. So much has happened from the last journal entry...

For starters I have a boyfriend now and we are going on our first date tonight, Starbucks. For the first time I have actually having a desire to be with him. I find him attractive on a emotional level and physical. Right now, I look like a victim of domestic abuse because well...one time, just to set the story straight, during a make-out session it got a little intense and I bit his lip, it bruised over the next day. I felt terrible for what I did to him. He convinced me that it was a "badge of honor", so I said that he could get me back...well he did. During another heated make-out session he...um...bit me back. Now my lips are swollen purple on the uppper and lower part...I also have a hicky track. Yes that's right a hicky track. The only damage I did to him was another small bruise on his lip and a terribly tacky hicky...damn...

As for school, things are going okay. I had my first exam in chemistry and I have several tests and stuff. I am scared and have no confidence in my work and constantly feel like I am waiting for the bottom to drop out. I am terrified of seeing my grade right now in any of my classes. Aside from that, I absolutely love my japanese teacher, Endo sensei, he is so hot. He has a nice body and he is cute cute cute. I caught myself staring at his ass during an entire lecture...geeze. I promised myself that things would be different...oh hell I may as well sit back and enjoy it.

I am hoping for a quite weekend so that I can study and do homework and actually get things done instead of delaying all the time. I don't procrastinate but it just seems to be happening much more frequently.

Life seems okay for now, next week will be hell. I have a huge math exam and several small tests during the week. Oh well, but I have a date with Michael tonight, laundry to do, shopping, cleaning my dorm room, and possibly going to the gym to work out. I am content, what more can I ask for?
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Just another day.... [Aug. 31st, 2006|05:23 am]
[mood |exhaustedtoo many text books]

I don't know. This whole college thing is going to take the whole first semester to get used to life here. I still have not found a quiet place to study, but I have managed to be able to stay up till 3 am and get up for 7 am class. I have declared passionate love to my coffee maker.

Classes are okay here. My Japanese class was to easy so I moved up into second year and now my schedule got all fucked up again. I had to drop my Astronomy class and enroll into the BioChem Intro. class. Now I have to spend my Labor Day weekend at home "catching up" on the 4 lectures that I missed...damn it. It just seems that Purdue does not have a good way of taking all the classes that you want. It pisses me off because I feel that I don't really have a breather class. Whatever, I am sure I'll just get pissed and roll with it.

I have absolutely no free time. I have made some friends. We are a pretty close group. But guess what most of them are guys, there is only one other girl in the group...so yeah...lots of testosterone. On top of that there is alot of drama in the group, because one of the guys is going through a relationship crisis w/ his girl friend, however, at the same time he has a crush on the other girl in the group....so yeah. Unfortunately I am a part of this drama too. There is a guy in the group that likes me alot. We flirt alot and he is really smart and kinda cute...it's distracting and difficult to play "idiot" when it comes to people feelings.
So basically all the guys keep confiding in each other about their feelings for the us girls in the group, in the mean time us girls are freaking out because we don't want to disrupt the harmonious(yet complicated) balance of the group.

And my class schedule blows....

Basically that is my life in a nut shell....I have absolutely no confidence in myself at all, it's mostly because of my Math class and I am terrified about the first big test or "exam". I know it means the same damn thing, but it has an element of dread that just hits you. I don't know. I still feel like a fish out of water here. I am looking forward to going home, but not looking forward to playing catch-up with BioChem. Intro. course. FUCK....well on to studying & hangout with my distracting friends...(damn them all)
Oh, if you are interested in knowing who this "guy" is that likes me in my group of friends, you can go to my facebook thingy and click on my list of friends under Purdue. I am not going to say his name and I don't want you writing obscene things on my wall, if you have something to say about him e-mail through facebook...there is one hint I will give you his first/last name intial are MB...there you go. So if you are curious that's it. I am sort of interested to know what you guys "think" of him.
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First day of school...... [Aug. 20th, 2006|11:40 pm]
[mood |amusedPadded Walls!!!!]
[music |Rolling Stones-Rough Justice]

Already getting sleepy in math class and doodling (or drooling, both would be correct)on my notebook, not a good start for college...

Okay my first class was not until 9:30...stupid over zealous me gets there an hour before hand, because I misjudged the time it would take me to walk there. *Sigh...were has summer gone...*moan

I have made quite a few friends here at Purdue. Most of them are boys...SWEET!!! I already kinda have a crush on two guys already (oh my!). My scandal will start soon, look for me on the internet! JK. Actually, I am putting on the breaks and just keeping my options open. Besides the guy to girl ratio here is 3:1 (odds are I am bound to find ONE moron worth my time...I am such a bitch). Soon I will have a HAREM of Bitches that have "MY" name on them, HO HO HO!(Monica's ultimate plan revealed!!)

On more note, I am now officially "addicted" to Grey's Anatomy. I got to watch 3 or 4 episodes last night. I was up till 2:00 in the morning the night before classes (oops?...I know most of you are thinking, "Welcome to college." or "That's child play.")watching it. Doctor McDreamy....damn.

Teehee I'll fill you later on the guy situation for my chikas that are interested (you know who you are).

P.S-This weekend I will call you peeps so hang in there! ;p We'll make it!
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College Life... [Aug. 17th, 2006|12:07 am]
[mood |calmLiv'n the college life]
[music |Jason Mraz- You & I]

Okay guys, I am so sorry with not communicating much. I have just been so busy with my freshman orientation stuff at PU. But anyway, things are fine and I have made quite a few friends. I hope everything is going well with everyone. I already have a tale to tell already. I'll save it for a weekend call to my Homies...(you know who you are). I feel kinda of guilty for not being able to call my parents much. I have just been out so late all the time...I am serious. They keep us up from 7 am to 2 am. My PU buddies and I had a sleepless night so we went to a dinner and we weren't back at our dorms until 5:30 am. Yeah that was fun. Anyway, back to organizing my stuff. Talk to you all later.
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(no subject) [Aug. 11th, 2006|01:33 pm]
[mood |coldcold]

There is no such thing as sleep for a troubled mind...
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